I didn't know then, but I do now.

I am writing this sitting on the bathroom floor. I have found that, following my surgery, the bathroom floor and myself have shared a lot of memories together. That floor has seen me throw up more times than I can count, cry until I couldn't cry anymore, and beg God to make it stop more than any person has. Does that seem unrealistic? I would think so if I was someone looking at this from the outside. How is it possible that I get sick this often? How is it possible that I'm able to cry this much? How is it possible that I started believing in God following this surgery? I can try and put those questions into perspective. 1. How is it possible that I get sick this often? I have no fricken idea. Sometimes I question what the point of even eating is because I know that I'll probably get sick, or feel sick, regardless of what I eat. When I met with my surgeon after my surgery I had not thrown up, not once.... Yet. He was surprised to hear I hadn't gotten sick, and I was surprised I wasn't getting sick. I was warned by my mom, doctors, and the packet about life after surgery that I would be getting sick a lot. So the fact that I went almost 2 weeks without throwing up once post-op was pretty insane. The nausea snuck up on me, but when it came it never really went away. It started with me getting sick maybe once a day, then I was getting sick only when I ate certain things, then I was getting sick after I ate anything. It has gotten better, and by "better" I mean I don't throw up after I eat everything. But I still get sick daily. I'm wondering how long it will last, they don't really give you a timeframe for this. I was told by one doctor that it takes about 6 months to feel normal. I've only been out of surgery for a little over 3. It's hard to imagine 3 more months of this. 2. How is it possible that I'm able to cry this much? Well, let me just tell you that when you have something like your stomach taken out of your body it kinda changes a person ok. I definitely am not the same person that went into that operating room. I feel like I'm broken and being held together by glue, the glue hasn't dried yet though, and it's drying at an abnormally slow rate. I feel frail, weak, defeated, helpless and sad. I don't feel like someone who just beat cancer, I feel like someone who just got knocked down, and keeps getting knocked down, whenever I try and stand up. My life, in just these past three months, has been HARD. Like, I'll lay in bed all day because I feel like I just can't get up hard. I can easily say that I am not as strong as I look, and I don't mind admitting that yes I do cry A LOT. But considering what I've been through I think it is slightly justified. 3. How is it possible I started believing in God following this surgery? Look y'all I majored in philosophy, I literally went to school and studied that God is not real. But now I'm starting to question everything I studied. When I first scheduled my surgery I was suppose to get it done by a surgeon working for Inova medical group, the surgery with her was scheduled for June 12. When I met with her my mom had a feeling she wasn't the right surgeon for me, I had a panic attack because I had already told my boss I would be getting my surgery in June. My mom called John's Hopkins and I met with Dr. Johnston, the man who ended up being my actual surgeon. John's Hopkins called me to schedule my surgery date, they had no idea about my previous meeting with the surgeon at Inova, or that I had planned to get the surgery done with anyone else. They asked if June 12th worked for me, I was almost speechless. What are the odds that they wanted to schedule the surgery on the exact date I had planned to get it done with another surgeon? That was the first thing that seemed almost too crazy to be true. Now let's go back to when I decided I wanted to get the surgery. That was November of 2018. My husband asked me why I was so insistent on getting the surgery at 25, so many doctor's told me I was way too young for it. When I was featured on the news at the age of 21 I said "when I'm 30 I'll have to get my stomach removed", yet here I was at the age of 24, soon to be 25, positive about the idea of getting this surgery. My answer to everyone when they said I was too young was "I have a feeling it's time". My mother had the surgery at the age of 46, she was 21 years older than me when she had her surgery, so why was I trying to get it done at 25? Why was I so insistent? The odds of me having cancer were so small, the youngest person in my family to have cancer was my grandmother at 29. So why did I insist on doing this? Because I had a gut feeling, a feeling I'm not even sure I know how to describe, but a feeling that I knew something was wrong with me. When the surgeon told me they found stage 1 gastric cancer in 3 places I could not believe what I was hearing. I am the youngest person in my family to have had cancer, at a mere 25 years old I am a cancer survivor. And I beat it because of a feeling I had.... Do you understand why I believe in God now? I know that when I talk about what I'm going through it's depressing. I mean cancer is a very depressing topic let's be real. But if me talking about this inspires my sister, or anyone who has a genetic mutation and is pushing off the preventative surgeries that could save their lives, then I will talk until my face is blue. You are NEVER too young to be diagnosed with cancer. Children suffer everyday from cancer and it's horrible. I will spread awareness because before my surgeon told me he found cancer, I had thought multiple times that I literally took my stomach out for nothing. Did you know that stomach cancer is the second largest cause of cancer deaths globally each year? Did you know it is the fifth most common type of cancer worldwide? I didn't, but I do now.