When I found out I had CDH1 I still had a year and a half of college left. If I am being 100% honest the last thing on my mind at that time was graduating, in fact I thought about dropping out multiple times because mentally it was so hard to be around people and not talk about everything I was going through. I remember for one of my classes we were offered extra credit if we went to the family counseling center on campus and underwent three sessions of therapy. I was a very motivated student near the end of my college career so I went, I told them my entire story, didn’t leave anything out. I told them I would have to get my stomach removed within the next few years, that I will have to get my breasts removed a few years after that, and that I will have an increased risk for colon cancer throughout my life. I was extremely shocked when I got a call from their office the next day and they told me that I shouldn’t go back to see them for the other two session. They said “you will still receive extra credit, but we don’t think we should get involved with your case considering how extreme it is”. I don’t want to say I was hurt, because honestly the only reason I went was to get extra credit, but let me tell you it felt SO good to tell someone, anyone, what I was dealing with. I understand why they turned me away to get more permanent help, but I will never forget how I felt being turned away from the first counselors I ever spoke to about my genetic mutation. I never sought help the rest of the time I was in college, I don’t want to say that it was the fault of the family help center, but I think a lot of it had to do with the fear of being turned away again.
I was medicated throughout college for my anxiety, and I still am medicated for my anxiety. And you know why? Because I have fricken anxiety. I knew I was a hypochondriac, and that I was always a little more OCD than the average person, but I wasn’t sure why. And to top that off with the news that I will be getting my stomach removed before the age of 30 just made my problems worse. Doctors call people with CDH1 “ticking time bombs”, they rarely ever detect the cancer because it forms inside the lining of the stomach. And most of the time, when they do find it, it’s too late. I am one of the lucky ones.
I’m not quite sure “hard” is the right word to describe how it was going to college for that last year and a half. I took summer classes between my last two semesters so it would only take me four and a half years to graduate, rather than five. The semester after I found out about having CDH1 I took seven classes. Think about that…. SEVEN CLASSES. And the weirdest thing is some of those classes I didn’t even need to graduate, I was taking them just because. I think subconsciously I wanted anything to take my mind off of what I was mentally going through. But was it always at the back of my mind? Yes. Were there times that I thought “maybe I should drop out and get this surgery now because I could already have cancer and not even know it?” Yes. I confided in a few people those final semesters; I even told my favorite professor what I was going through. My professor was shocked at my ability to compartmentalize the situation and admired me for pushing through to graduation.
December 16, 2016 was a very special day for me, it was my graduation day. I finished college with a 3.2 GPA, lower than what I wanted but I goofed around way too much my freshman and sophomore year. I have a bachelors degree if Philosophy and a minor in Child and Family Studies. I remember that I was the ONLY student to be graduating with a degree in philosophy for the school year Fall 2016 - Spring 2017. The capstone was only available in the fall, and I was the only student in the class. I felt so proud to represent the philosophy department by being the sole graduate for that school year. I also felt proud that I was the second person in my family to receive a college degree, my brother being the first. And I am extremely proud that I finished despite all the terrible news I was given while in school. I will never forget my mom on my graduation day, she had already had her stomach removed, and I knew one day soon that would be me too. She was SO proud of me, she was so proud that I didn’t give up, I didn’t let this gene stop me from achieving something I wanted in life. My parents always emphasized how important getting a degree was, I mean they didn’t have one and they wanted it to be different for their kids. My dad has an associated degree but that was the most college experience in my family before my brother. For as long as I can remember college was not an option for me, and I honestly wanted to get a degree, it was a personal goal for myself. I know that my mom, dad, and my stepfather are all extremely proud. I followed through even though, at times, I really didn’t want to because I was emotionally drained.
I have times where I am weak, I have times where I give up too easily. But I also have times where I thrive under pressure, where I push through all obstacles to achieve something. I am proud to be a college graduate; I am proud to have a piece of paper that is a constant reminder of how strong minded I am. I honestly didn’t think I was going to graduate, but hey, I did.
*The picture featured is my mom and me at my college graduation*
