Well. I am not even sure I can put my emotions into words at this point, but I am going to try. I promised I would keep it real with all of you, so this is it, this is me keeping it real. I have not felt like myself AT ALL lately. I often spend all day in bed. Actually, I am writing this post from my bed. Most days I go almost all day without leaving my bedroom, and when I am in my room I sit in silence. No TV, no music. Just me, my phone, my laptop, and my thoughts. I’ve been questioning why I am like this a lot lately. I can’t seem to pinpoint an answer. I guess the logical thing to assume is that I’m depressed. My husband and me aren’t doing financially great since my surgery since I’m not working, and it’s taking a big toll on the both of us mentally. But aside from the money, I just don’t feel like me. I don’t feel like I have emotions, except sad emotions. I go off on crazy manic rampages, I mean I know I am diagnosed bipolar but I haven’t had outbursts like this in years. My mom said that lack of nutrition can lead to insanity, she said it happened to her after her stomach removal, and I am starting to think she is right. Seriously I have been having the most irrational thoughts. Such as, people would be better of without me, I’m not good enough, I provide nothing in my relationship, I am worthless. And deep down I know none of this is true, but I have convinced myself that it is. And it feels fucking terrible. I feel like I am falling over and over again without the ability to get up. A lot of people don’t believe in mental health issues, and that’s fine if you don’t. I always knew I had issues since I was in middle school, when my therapist diagnosed me with depression and anxiety at the age of 12. But lately, I’m really starting to see those traits come out. And I feel like I can’t control them sometimes. They are overwhelming, and consuming. I find myself crying so frequently that I just pray I can find happiness and joy after everything I have been through this year. Maybe I am upset because my journey isn’t over, I still have to get a double mastectomy, and I’m still considering getting my tubes tied. But I’m also really stressed out. I currently am barely working, and because of that we are financially struggling. In the midst of one of my meltdowns the other day I applied to about 10 random jobs; it didn’t matter what they were I just applied to whatever was hiring. Sometimes I think that my mood change could be associated with the weather changing, I know I have bipolar depression, so it comes and goes as it pleases. Maybe this is just one of those spans where I’m depressed.
I don’t want to write much more; it was hard enough to motivate me to write this to begin with. I don’t plan to promote this post on any social media, and I don’t plan to put a picture with it. I know that its OK to not be OK. I just hope that I find a way to become OK soon.
I want to add that I thought about deleting this post multiple times since I made it. But I won't. It's ok to show weakness, it's ok to be sad. I want everyone who reads this, who may be going through the same thing I am, that it is ok. You're not alone.
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