I haven’t posted in a few days and I feel like I owe it to all of you lovely readers to know how I am doing. I want to start by saying that things have been A LOT better. I don’t get sick every day, I am keeping food down, I am staying hydrated. All in all, I would say that I am recovering really well for someone who had their stomach removed four months ago. With that being said I want to share a story of one of my bad days that I had recently, a day that reminded me of the fact that I am not normal and I need to remember that.
So, last week my husband and me wanted to go out for date night. I went all out for it, I put on makeup and a cute outfit, usually I just wear sweatpants and a sweater but I decided I was going to make this date night something special. We decided we wanted to go grab a beer but we wanted to eat at home before we went out, that way we didn’t have to pay for food at the restaurant. We ate a southwest salad. Now I have had southwest salad since my stomach removal, and had no issues with it. But this particular day I had MAJOR issues. If I had to guess I would say that the dressing was too spicy and I had a negative reaction to it. The problem was all of the issues I had didn’t hit me until we were already out and at the restaurant. I ordered my beer, looked at it, then ran to the bathroom to throw up. I was not able to touch my beer; I was not able to eat for the rest of the night. I had to take nausea medicine, and even though I took it, the nausea lasted for about 2 hours.
I am the type of person that likes to push myself and convince myself that I’m normal, or the nausea will pass, or I can handle it, when in reality I can’t. So, after my husband drank his beer, I insisted that we go to goodwill and take a look around. We had planned to go before I complained about feeling sick, and I didn’t want to ruin the night, so we went. I kid you not the entire store was spinning around me, I couldn’t think straight or even see straight. THAT’S HOW SICK I FELT. And yet I was still trying so hard to be normal and push through it. It took only 15 minutes before I told my husband I couldn’t do it anymore and we left, after goodwill we went home. We spent a total of 45 minutes out, that was the extent of our date night.
Imagine how bad it feels to be the reason that you cut the night early. Imagine how it feels getting sick in a restaurant. Imagine how embarrassed I was that my husband had to chug my beer (although I’m sure he didn’t mind) because I was unable to drink it. All of those thoughts ran through my head when we got home, and I cried. I cried because I felt terrible about myself for reasons that are beyond my control. Its not my fault that the salad made me super sick, how was I suppose to know that would have happened? Regardless, I felt bad. And I always feel bad when we go somewhere and I’m the reason we have to leave early or just turn around and go home. The guilt associated with me getting sick is reaching a point that is almost unhealthy, and is causing me to push myself when I probably shouldn’t.
Do I like admitting this? Of course not. Why would anyone want to admit something like this? But it’s the truth, and I promised y’all the truth so that’s what you will get. I’m slowly learning that part of this recovery is knowing that I’m not going to be OK all the time, and that’s OK. It shouldn’t be something that I shame myself for and cry about. I admit lately I am losing sight of that, and I am hoping that writing it down into words will reinforce the realization for me. I don’t always get sick, but sometimes I do and when I do it is OK to say that I am not able to go somewhere, or that I don’t want to do something. Its good to give my body the rest that it needs. And its good to remind myself of that.
I apologize that this post is geared more towards myself than towards you, my readers. But everyone needs to step back and acknowledge things sometimes. This is my way of stepping back and analyzing how I feel, writing channels that for me.
Lately I have been obsessed with this silly meme that says “Roses are red, violets are blue. It don’t always be like that, but sometimes it do.” It's super silly, but I feel like it relates to me getting sick. It doesn’t happen every day, especially lately and I am so beyond grateful for that. But sometimes it is that way… sometimes it’s really really bad and I’m reminded of how careful I need to be. Sometimes it just is that way, and it’s OK. I will have bad days, and I need to accept that. If anything, I need to become more grateful. Grateful for the fact that I am healthy, alive, and cancer free.
