Happy stomach cancer awareness month to all! This month means more to me than I ever thought it would. At this point last year, I didn’t give a shit about this month, I didn’t think anything of it, that just shows you how much you can change in a year. As I watched the news this morning, I realized that nobody is talking about the fact that it is stomach cancer awareness month. Yet, during breast cancer awareness month everyone can’t stop talking about it. Don’t get me wrong I am not talking shit about breast cancer (please excuse my language in this post I am rather upset). I mean, with my gene CDH1 I am going to have to get my breasts removed because I have over a 60% chance of having breast cancer within my life. My grandmother had breast cancer at 29. So please do not think that I think breast cancer is less superior in comparison to stomach cancer. But I think a lot more awareness could be spread, or at least talked about, in regard to the fact that it’s stomach cancer awareness month.
I feel a lot of mixed emotions about today. I feel defeated, overwhelmed, weak, sad, lost, alone, afraid, and so much more. I have been avoiding the realization that I had cancer since I heard the news. I never really let it process in my brain, so mentally it didn’t exist. In my mind I never had cancer and I still have a stomach. But as I write this I am crying because all of these emotions I have pushed off for about 5 months are surfacing. I don’t have a stomach. I had stomach cancer at 25. I could have died. I could have had to undergo chemo. How do you deal with stuff like that? How do I accept these realities? I honestly don’t have an answer, all I can do is cry about it. I am honestly at a loss for words with the amount of emotions that filled my brain this morning.
I apologize in advance that this post is not being written by the “strong Lauren” you all have met in prior posts. But I am human, I can’t be strong all the time, so say hello to the “frail Lauren”. Only those who are close to me know the frail side of me, I’m really good at putting up a positive front. Not long ago I was having a breakdown, and I asked my friend Rachel if my blog was a lie. “Am I making my situation sound easier than it is? Am I a fraud?” She told me that I wasn’t, and that I was giving people hope and ease and positivity. I wish that I could be “strong Lauren” all the time. She’s fricken awesome. And I try really hard to portray her when I write in my blog. But today I just can’t do it. I have too many emotions flowing through me to pretend that I am currently strong.
Life without a stomach is hard. It sucks because nobody understands fully, and because you look normal from the outside people assume nothing is wrong with you. I had a girl tell me that she wouldn’t support my go fund me page because her values say that you need to work for all the money you receive…. She has literally no idea what my life is like, and she obviously is oblivious to the fact that people go through hard times and need help during them. No offense to her, but she’s ignorant. I can’t really blame her though; it takes a rare person to understand just how hard this new life is for me. I wish every day that I could be normal again. I wish that I didn’t have to start a go fund me because I don’t qualify for disability, and no job will accommodate the eating, and throwing up, breaks I require.
I feel ashamed to be writing this post, I am ashamed that I am not more positive. So again, I apologize for that. Its just been really hard to be positive lately, not only due to my stomach removal or the cancer. But due to factors in my life. My life is far from perfect right now, I am not going to go into too much detail but things just haven’t been the same since my surgery. Nothing has been the same since my surgery, and its really taking a toll on me. Most of the time I feel like I am losing it.
Well, I don’t have much more to say. I know I have apologized multiple times but I am going to do it again. I am sorry that this post is not positive. I am sorry that I am not being strong for all of you. I am sorry that things in my life are mentally taking a huge toll on me and breaking me down. I am sorry that I can’t be the role model I aspire to be. But most of all, I’m sorry that I no longer feel like I am good enough.
Happy stomach cancer awareness month, please don’t forget those who are dealing with it. I am praying for all of them, and I am praying for myself.
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